The Best of DJWoodEye
David Wood is an undiscovered genius, or a drunk - I haven't decided which. Like many journalists he has acknowledged that one day he might be incarcerated for an extended period. David has several aliases. DJWoodEye is his Twitter name, Sturgess Drake his Facebook name. His porno name has not been settled upon but I'm tippin 'Doctor Sin'
Below are a number of his contributions to the profession of journalism
We are islands in the news stream.
But I do not even have my own island in the newsroom. I have to share a cubicle island with a feckin' eejit Irishman. Little battery journos in story-laying cages side-by-side. It is compulsory intimateness.*
I hear all his interviews and it joys me up that he is, well, a feckin' eejit.
I used to work for a farmers' paper and was covering a big cow show and asked the general public what they wanted to know about showing cows.
One rocket surgeon asked if cows got embarrassed when getting milked in front of other cows.
I can neither confirm nor deny that - having never been a cow - but I do get embarrassed with some of his questions. It could have been him that asked that one about cows. But I'll try and be the bigger "he said".
Like if I am going down to pillage Brenda vendor machine I will ask the feckin' eejit if he would like a carbonated cola beverage as well. And it will be my brown trout. But there is nothing coming back the other way.
It shows there is no "I" in team but there is a "u" in something else.
* I am not gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But Conor most probably - definitely - is.
“EVERY time a friend of mine succeeds, I die a little.
That is a rough approximation of what writer and jack-of-all trades Gore Vidal happened to say.
You can see yourself a great mate. You want to be seen a great mate. But you also choose mates that will not make you look bad.
I chose the path early of failure, helping my mates look good. But I now renounce my selfless humanitarianism.
I don't want to hear of your pay rises, your impending marriage to a hot rich chick whose dad owns a brewery, or your million dollar sale of a house you bought years ago when the market was cheap.
I gave you all a good 15 years head start.
So now I am making other friendship arrangements.
People with entrenched, intractable problems or those clinging to the Grunge era and have the crush of perpetual melancholy, is not just encouraged but a contractual obligation.
The back-up I have is I plan to change the definition of success. You can see why I like to sit next to my old mate on the other side of the page to me.
Because he is a struggler, he seems to have gotten this week's topic hopelessly wrong. I apologise, he is not a success like me.
NT Times, April 1st, 2011
Headless croc found on beach
DAVID WOOD | April 25th, 2011
A SAFETY crocodile has been found on a beach in Darwin.
Safety crocodiles are those that have had their heads removed. They are less bitey that way.
The croc was found on the beach between Lake Alexander and Pee Wee's restaurant off Alec Fong Lim Drive in East Point Reserve.
The headless crocodile was also tailless, meaning in all it was only about a 1.5m trunk with legs.
A group calling itself the Easter Orphans noticed the safety croc when celebrating their Easter on the quiet beach.
The crocodile appeared to have been slaughtered overnight or early yesterday morning.
The NT News believes the crocodile was shot inside a trap at Woods Inlet and then dragged out to the beach where it was cut up.
In December, amendments to existing laws made it an offence to interfere with or damage crocodile traps, with a fine of up to $6500 or a maximum of six months in prison.
The act expanded the definition of interference of a trap to mean touching, standing on, entering, moving or otherwise disturbing a crocodile trap owned by the NT Government.
UFO spotted in Darwin
DAVID WOOD | December 27th, 2010
A UFO said to look like a secret Area 51 government plane shown on YouTube was seen last week by a Darwin man.
The man, who wanted only to be known as Brian, said he was having a beer and a smoke outside his unit in Sunset Drv about 9.30pm on Thursday when he saw a large, black flying triangle with lights on the side.
"I thought it was a plane but all it made was humming sounds," he said.
"It was maybe at the third level of my unit block just hovering and gliding.
"I wish I had my phone, my iPhone to record it."
This year in the Territory there have been many UFO sightings, and rumours British pop star Robbie Williams had bought a property at Daly Waters so he could pursue his passion for UFO spotting. There were seven sightings in a week in April.
This may be unusual with high-profile Acacia Hills UFO spotter Alan Ferguson having said they usually visit the Territory in the dry.
Thus it rates a three - Was it a shooting star? Or could it be something more sinister? - on the GerryMeter, named after political powerhouse Gerry Wood.
In telling his yarn, Brian reluctantly admitted he had ducked outside to "to use the toilet".
"I'd mistaken it for a lamp post.
"I was relieving myself in the garden and I looked ahead and saw a light, then the light dropped a little, it was moving and I thought it was a plane and I was waiting for the roar of the engine and it was just humming."
"I look up YouTube sometimes, and under Area 51 airplanes there is a triangle one... it was much like that."
He said there were about three bright, white lights on either side and one on the tip of the triangle which was about 20m across as it hovered for about 20 seconds.
"If anything what they have on YouTube is down pat, it was like secret government plane," he said.
Police said they had no reports of any other sightings.
“My goldfish, Kerry O'Brien, has an obesity problem. And what is the government doing about it?”
Twitter 15 May 2011
This'll pack you up
Our Country News colleagues have been out on a farm, as they like to do.
But it wasn't for the Goulburn Valley's cows, sheep, or fruit trees.
They were at an alpaca farm.
Of course, it is about that time of year when there are some little alpacas fresh from the alpaca stork.
And in very practical farmspeak, there is a cool term for those many months after a daddy alpaca and a mummy alpaca really love each other.
Yes, giving birth in the alpaca world is indeed known as "unpacking".
Remember, you read it here first.
Country News, August 19, 2008
Idea lookin' good
A 34-year-old mum of two responded to our call yesterday for "youse guys" - or our valued readers - to contribute to our humble page two.
She phoned yesterday morning to say she reckons she knows just what Shepparton needs - someone like style gurus and makeover queens Trinny and Susannah or How to Look Good Naked host Carson Kressley to wave their fashion wand across the population.
But she said her idea came with a condition.
"I'm first up in line; I've got no idea how to dress," she said.
Having a brief look around the town, we're sure she's not the only one.
Shepparton News, June 19, 2008
What about us?
The lady drought has hit no one harder than News chief of staff David Wood.
The NSW Farmers Federation put out a press release calling for single young farmers to apply for the show because of the rural "female drought".
They have no idea how hard a drought can get, as David explains:
"I haven't been within touching distance of a woman who was not my mum or another family member since a Blue Light disco in 1986.
"And I'm not the worst in the building.
"They need a show called The Wrong Side Of 30 Journo, With An Inflamed Liver And No Assets Except A Microwave Bought In 1995 And A 1992 Toyota Corolla That's Not On The Road At The Minute Wants A Wife.
"Ratings gold!"
Say your piece
We have to give credit to ABC Goulburn Murray and Matt Dowling's show for this one.
He had two different people on the radio talking, one Andrew Embling and the other Tammy Muir.
Andrew was talking about the fog - among other things such as this weekend's Alexandra Truck, Ute and Rod Show - when he said a farmer had told him that the fog was so thick he couldn't shut his gate.
Nice work, farmer.
Meanwhile, Tammy talked about a bloke driving down a dusty road with the radio on.
He said the dust was so thick even the radio announcer was coughing.
Nice work again.
Shepparton News, June 5th, 2008
Government fraud
We swim in press releases most days, so it is hard to catch our attention.
But a "government line-up" notification from Victorian Consumer Affairs Minister Tony Robinson did it for us.
It also confirmed some longheld opinions about members of parliament.
Mr Robinson was to appear at the Southern Cross building to launch "Fraud fortnight".
Now, the best that can be said is that at least the government is being forthright with its plans for deception.
But what type of evil fraud does it have planned?
There was no explanation in the press release.
We will just have to be vigilant.
Perhaps it's time to do a police check on the sneaky Mr Robinson.
@TerryAustralis @thor3068 @gunn04 @jraw78 @mickbayne @martinjonreeves @illywhaker_au Thor is so spam. Ever had a conversation with him?
Twitter, recently.
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